Many psychological tools have a bad side effect.
I have learned many psychological tools in sales training over the years. I don’t use most of them. Why? Because people are smart. They notice when you try to trick them with tricks.
Manipulation doesn’t work because the people you are cheating on understand what you have been doing except that it happens when you are not there. Why fool people when you can be honest and get better results?
Honesty sells better than deception. This is what is seldom taught by gurus.
These psychological tools are the best to avoid, so that you don’t become a manipulative little liar who ruins your credibility.
In face-to-face sales as an asshole in my twenties, I learned this technique called matching and mirroring. Any neuro-linguistic programming course will teach you that.
Basically, you look at the prospect’s body language and copy it. If they tilt their chair back, you tilt your chair back. If they get up, you get up. If they cross their legs, you are crossing your legs.
It’s like a children’s game of Simon says. Simon says to stop.
I tried it a few times several years ago. He feels stupid. People notice that you copy their every move and don’t like it. They don’t care about anything you try to persuade them to do.
An impersonator is a pain in the ass. Instead of being fake by copying people’s actions, be yourself. An honest version of yourself is much more convincing and you will outperform in life.
Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.
?? André Malraux
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and then heard this phrase? It’s common in business. A leader who is running out of time will say so in a meeting with no intention of coming back to your point.
Why? They know there’s a good chance you’ll forget.
This sentence is manipulative. A better way to deal with a sudden change in the agenda is to say “write a note on the whiteboard so you don’t forget to come back to it, and everyone please call me back.” “
It’s an honest way to bet on something rather than dismissing an innocent person who is trying to be heard. Speaking at work is rare. Let us not save the thoughts of brave people so that they are never heard.
A colleague I worked with always came just before home time. He knew what time I was coming home because I made a point of telling him every day. The end of the day was a great time to ask myself to make a decision that worked in her favor as I was tired of talking to clients all day.
Asking an obviously tired person to make a decision is manipulation. The problem with this strategy is that when you use it on someone and their energy returns the next day, they are likely to change their mind or curse you in their head for forcing them to make a stupid decision that they are going to make. ‘he now regrets.
The same goes for romantic relationships. Podcaster Tim Ferriss has a well-known rule: no decision before bed.
I adopted a similar strategy. Decisions made when your energy is low are normally not well thought out. Low energy equals shortcuts. And the shortcuts to the decisions act like Swiss cheese holes in the result.
If you care about someone, don’t ask them to make decisions before bed.
Another common trick is to ask people a favor when you don’t really want it. Like “hey, can you hold my bag for a minute?” The person is supposed to think that they like you because they are doing you a favor.
The truth is, you are being dishonest by asking for a favor that you don’t need. Smart people will understand what you are doing.
“Can I ask you for advice? Is another little favor that can be used for expert manipulation. I once had a boss who asked me for advice. Asking to be an expert for a few minutes, research shows, is addictive to our attention seeking psychology.
We were sitting over coffee and he was asking me to explain something on social media. Then he would take what I said and use it against me. The fungal breath man in bike shorts ended up firing my ass with the fake favors he was using to collect data.
“They’ll think you’re nice.”
No, they won’t. I call these corporate politicians smiling assassins. They spend their entire day walking the halls and sitting in lobby cafes smiling and greeting people like the Queen. In front of the big boss, they throw the employees under the bus like a corporate psychopath.
A fake smile or a “hello, how are you?” that you don’t have the time or the inclination to listen just isn’t worth it. People know you are fake for the fun of it. Falsehood doesn’t build your reputation at all. People can see through empty interactions that seem awkward to the average person. Give them up. Choose real interactions that are genuine.
False greetings and smiles mean nothing. What matters are your actions.
A popular study recommends this phrase as a way to get more yes. I frequently get emails that say something like, “But obviously don’t feel you have to. This can have the opposite effect.
When you make a request there is a level of guilt when the person says no. This sentence is not really easy to say either. Rather, it draws attention to the possibility of a no, which I think means the requester knows their claim is weak in the first place. You are better off with a strong demand than a weak one that subtly says “please deny me, it’s okay”.
The truth is, we are all busy, it’s obvious. Emphasizing that someone may be busy undermines the key message you are trying to convey.
Don’t use psychological tools like these which are actually manipulative. The average person is smart and will know what you are doing. The best persuasion technique I have ever learned is brutal honesty.
Honesty shows trust. Honesty sells. Honesty is easy because you don’t have to pretend you’re someone you’re not.
This article originally appeared on Medium.
