Dear Abby: I have been dating a married man for over 30 years. Everything was fine between us until recently. I began to suspect one of my neighbors of seeing it too. I plan to contact his wife and my neighbor’s husband and let them know of my suspicions.
I need to know what to do to make this relationship with the neighbor stop. I know that by reporting him, I will lose him, but if the neighbor is after him because of his money, I don’t want his wife to think that I am taking it from her.
What should I do?
— Nervous in Texas
Dear Nervous: Despite the odds, you were blessed to have had a drama-free affair for 30 years.
Because you have no proof that your lover is involved with anyone else, it would do less harm to everyone if you share your suspicions with HIM. I guarantee that if you reveal your affair of three decades to his wife, you can say goodbye to this romance. If the neighboring couple discovers that you accused her, you will make enemies, especially if your suspicions are unfounded.
I find it ironic that after decades of helping your lover cheat, you are now mad at him for cheating. I see nothing to be gained by creating a scandal to save your wounded pride.
Dear Abby: My boyfriend “Aaron” and I have been together for almost 10 years. We are both divorced from narcissistic spouses. We have discussed a future together and we are working on it. It takes so long because Aaron’s kids are a bit younger than mine. (I’m an empty nest; her kids are just entering their teens.) I’m also working to establish my career.
We get along well and seem compatible in every way, but one thing bothers me: Aaron can be passive-aggressive. It’s not often and it’s usually not just for little things, but when it does happen it’s very hurtful.
I went to counseling to resolve some issues from my childhood and my first marriage, and recently realized that I had some toxic traits that I needed to work on and heal. Unfortunately, some of that toxicity spilled over into my relationship with Aaron and hurt him. When this happens, he reacts passive-aggressive for a while and then things seem to return to normal.
What can I do to overcome the pain I feel when he acts this way? I don’t want to reimburse injury for injury. I want to break the cycle.
— Healing in the Midwest
Dear Healing: If your “toxicity” is what makes Aaron react with what you interpret as passive aggression, he could just heal his wounds. Talk to your therapist about including Aaron in some of your sessions. If the therapist agrees, tell Aaron that you think your relationship could be improved if he would go with you. If the therapist is NOT OK with “joint” sessions, it may be helpful to discuss couples therapy with another therapist.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com.
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