ORLANDO | Throughout the many difficult times of a marriage, the religious commitment that a man and woman have made before God is to remain strong and unbreakable. Yet marriages fall apart, whether it’s because of infidelity, lack of communication, abuse, addictions, or other reasons.
In the United States, about 50% of married couples divorce. Divorce is a reality and, for the Church, dealing with the after-effects of a divorce is also a reality. Comforting a divorced person may not be easy. Sessions could reveal nasty secrets, unhealed wounds, and grudges that haven’t been forgotten. Counseling can sometimes make matters worse if not treated with care by a professional.
Fortunately, by serving with intimate experience in these sensitive matters, counselors – including those related to the ministry of the Catholic Church – can successfully help those who mourn a divorce to close and hope for the future.
Joy Gonzales-Hoyes, DivorceCare Ministry Facilitator at Holy Redeemer Parish in Kissimmee, uses her own experiences as a divorced woman to help others facing the same dilemmas. “I believe this is an essential ministry in helping people heal from their divorce and / or separation.”
For Catholics who fear attending sessions because they assume their readmission into the Church after divorce will not happen, Hoyes offers hope.
“For me personally, Pope Francis’ ‘The Joy of Love’ is uplifting because he declares that divorced and remarried Catholics are not excommunicated and should not be discriminated against. My divorce does not define me and should not limit me as a Catholic. It’s an aspect of my life, ”Hoyes said. “Personally, I think the divorce statute shouldn’t prevent a Catholic from fully participating in the Church.”
She added that the “majority of people” attending DivorceCare sessions are divorced or separated for a long time.
“We tell potential attendees that DivorceCare is a spiritual journey that will begin to heal her heart and incorporate forgiveness and provide the strength to move on from the divorce. “
Justin McManus, owner of Cornerstone Counseling of Palm Beach, said he felt the same about divorced Catholics who might feel unwanted by their Catholic peers or by the Church as a whole. “I also think it is important for Catholics to know that they are always welcome in the Church and that they can find care, love and healing through the Church.”
Regret is a common sequel to divorce. There is the constant belief that they have wasted many good years married to someone who has not returned love. They feel guilty for ignoring the looming signs of a bad marriage.
“I have seen the traumatic (divorce) impact on the families I have worked with over the years,” McManus said. “Divorce care is so important because a divorce is similar to the death of a loved one. There is a grieving process that a person goes through that can benefit from support and guidance. “
The key, Hoyes said, is to “gently remind them that while they still love their spouse, and will likely always love them, their spouse isn’t returning their love to them that way.” There are also cases where the ex-spouses are friends.
Either way, if a spouse wanted to fix things, “it was their spouse who refused to fix things even if they wanted to,” McManus said. “I help them go through the grieving process.
After years of a troubled marriage, spouses sometimes see no other way out than divorce. And contrary to popular belief, infidelity is not always the cause.
“It seems most of the cases involve spouses who wanted to go on with their lives without their spouse,” Hoyes said. “Maybe they were having an affair and didn’t want to stay in the marriage. There may have been issues that have been around for some time.
McManus, a licensed clinical social worker, found that “the most common causes appear to be domestic violence / neglect (emotional / physical), pornography / sex addiction, and infidelity.” One way to combat a potentially futile marriage is to recognize the issues early on. “Couples see a good Catholic therapist early in the marriage to work on their relationship issues. Some research has shown that the average distressed couple waits seven years before consulting.
“There may have been issues that have been around for a while,” Hoyes said. “We don’t dwell on the ‘why’ of divorce. We focus on the healing and on the person in front of us helping them. We allow evacuation because sometimes the injured person just has to talk to someone, and we may be their only voice. One cure will not work because not all marriages are the same. There are different dynamics and personalities.
Divorce doesn’t just affect spouses. In many cases, their jobs, loved ones and immediate family members are also affected.
“Children are deeply affected by their parents’ divorce,” McManus said. “I have often counseled children about divorce. It is important for children to know that it is not their fault and that both parents still love them. It is essential that they maintain a positive relationship with both parents if possible. The unfortunate repercussions do not end with the legal disillusionment of marriage. “Additionally, if the couple have children they will have to learn how to co-parent after the divorce and often conflict continues over parenting issues because the conflicts that led to the divorce are often still present afterward.”
Hoyes agrees with McManus, adding that a divorce “likely has an impact on work and social gatherings.” When a marriage ends in divorce, “the faith is probably shaken because you got married in the Church because you believed in the sacrament and the sanctity of marriage. The situation will affect the emotional, mental and physical well-being and will also affect the spiritual aspect.
Hoyes and McManus both use their Catholic faith as productive tools to help those struggling with marital problems. Whenever they lead a support group, it is always with the detailed use of their Catholic lessons.
“At the parish support group, teachings of scripture and the Church are incorporated into the program,” said McManus. “It is emphasized that the Church is a field hospital where divorced people can go for spiritual and emotional healing. We begin each session with prayer and share about how their faith is helping them through difficult times. In individual or marriage counseling, we integrate prayer and the use of the sacraments as an integral part of the healing process.
At Holy Redeemer, Hoyes’ involvement in “DivorceCare is a ministry, not a paid position,” Hoyes said. “We are all volunteers and have grown in the Catholic faith. The people she helps are not necessarily always Catholic, “although they are told it is Scripture. All that is required is a willingness to deal with the consequences of separation or divorce. “
Her faith is helping her little by little, giving her the confidence she needs to overcome her spouse. “Personally, when we reached the forgiveness chapter, it was the most difficult chapter because I didn’t want to forgive my ex-spouse. But I allowed a (symbolic) balloon full of hatred and enmity to ascend towards the Lord. I still have work to do on forgiveness, but I am now closer to this goal.
Spouses who consult know that it is not an easy choice. This pressure can sometimes force married couples to forgo counseling altogether, allowing their issues to snowball until their marriages are destroyed and beyond repair.
“The people in the program didn’t go into their divorce lightly,” Hoyes said. “Some people still have a hard time making the decision (to divorce) and are struggling to move on. We are here to support them in their healing process because for those of us who have married in the Church and divorced, we have mourned the end of our marriages.
For more information on divorce counseling, contact Justin McManus in Palm Beach Gardens at www.cornerstonecounselingpb.com or contact Joy Gonzales-Hoyes Holy Redeemer Parish in Kissimmee at www.hredeemer.org.
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