When the producers of the Netflix show “Love on the Spectrum” first asked Jodi Rodgers to join, she turned them down. A sexologist and counselor specializing in autism spectrum disorders, she was hesitant to appear on the series, where her private work helping people overcome dating challenges would be turned into entertainment.
“I initially said there was no way I was being filmed doing my job on TV because it’s very vulnerable,” Ms Rodgers told Zoom from her home in Alstonville. , on the east coast of Australia. “I take my job to a very high standard and I really believe in developing a real relationship with the people I work with. “
Her concerns were allayed when she realized she would have hours to work with each client, although the time seemed much shorter once the recorded material was edited. “People say, ‘Gee, you did so well in three minutes,’ Ms. Rodgers said. “Or I have someone who says, ‘How dare you say that to so-and-so? I’m like ‘It was 30 seconds of our conversation.’ “
“We all know the anxiety of first dates,” she said. “We all know how complex it is, how nerve-racking it is. We all know we spend hours before going out to groom ourselves. Being autistic is no different from the rest of us this way. But there are just a few innate difficulties that people with autism have in this area. (She has an upcoming book on the subject, which will be published by Little Brown Spark.)
In the interview below, which has been edited, Ms Rodgers spoke about these particular challenges, her techniques for dealing with them, and what parents can do to support children who are ready to find one.
Can you describe your approach to counseling people with autism who want to start dating?
Before someone came to see me, I might find out that they really, really like motorcycles. I don’t know anything about motorcycles at all, but what I would do is put a motorcycle magazine in my office, or put something in the environment that connects us.
With a lot of typical advice, we would imitate each other. I would monitor your body language at all times. With an autistic person, you have to throw it all out the window. It’s like being in a foreign culture sometimes. You have to throw away all of your understanding of body language and social skills and really just see this person as their own unique self. It’s so individual how their autism presents, let alone, you know, their background, their culture, and their gender.
Some people would say something like, “Why do you teach people with autism neurotypical social skills? And I say, “I’m not. I teach them what neurotypical people expect from them. I don’t expect them to act that way.
What areas are you focusing on with clients?
The presentation of autism is so diverse that it will be very different for each person. One of the common themes for people that I find is just letting you know.
But then a lot of it just reads the play. When you have a date with another person, you are constantly scanning that person, constantly noticing nuances in their body language, facial expressions. A lot of the people I work with and help with on the show really like clear, straightforward, straightforward communication.
Part of the neurotypical experience is that when we’re flirting with each other or trying to give each other a little cue, we don’t just come right out and say, “Dude, I think you’re the most sexy alive. ”We, as neurotypical people, do this dance around each other all the time.
The other thing that I work with people on is having the self-advocacy or self-esteem in those first few moments. Being able to express “here are my communication needs” or “here are things that I am having difficulty with”. When we go out on a first date, sometimes we don’t want to talk about our flaws or our needs right away.
How did you get into this job?
What I realized was that when people left school, we weren’t talking about adult relationships. I kind of wanted to get into that. I started working in the community sector, in services for adults with disabilities, and in sexual health counseling and education.
And then I went and got some more degrees, a counseling degree, and then a masters degree in sexual health counseling.
My understanding of sexuality is not about the sexual act. My understanding of sexuality is about body image, self-esteem, our ability to give consent, our ability to negotiate with an intimate partner, our ability to compromise with another person.
I think that leaves a lot of people quite vulnerable and vulnerable to abuse. We really neglected to provide a really good comprehensive sex education and full relationship education.
How has your life changed since the show premiered?
Before that, I was a therapist working in the office. I didn’t have any social networks. I just saw the same people every day. And now people are interested in what I have to say. I get inquiries from all over the world.
I have noticed that you often use visual aids in your coaching sessions. Why is that?
When I draw, I try to support the learning of people whose preferred learning method is visual and non-auditory.
The other thing about drawing is that if you and I were doing counseling together, I would sit across from you like that and we wouldn’t have anything between us. It can be very trying for someone with autism. If my head is down and I’m drawing, I’m not putting pressure on someone else to interact with me socially.
There are so many people whose hearing treatment is taken care of if they are doing anything else. Click her nails, braid her hair. Neurotypical people might say, “Stop doodling and listen to me.” But what they don’t understand is that when you doodle it helps you listen.
In what ways can parents with neurodiverse children support them as they enter the dating world?
Sometimes someone will reach the age where they want to start dating someone, but they can’t even name a single friend. Dating is another layer of friendship. It makes people back down a bit. Let’s look at the things we need to do before we can go out and go on a date.
And the other one that I always tell people about is self-confidence. To market yourself, go on dates, and join a group to meet people, you need to have a level of confidence to do so.
When I get to know them, I ask many people with autism, “Tell me three things that are great about you,” and they often say, “I’m really good at video games. No, no, not what are you good for? Name three things that are good about you. It’s really about helping people have a good sense of identity.
This is a great lesson for everyone.
People are drawn to people who say, “I’m a good person and I have a lot to offer. You don’t really say it. But we are showing another person that we are nice because we love each other.
For so long there has been a cultural understanding that a disabled person is inferior to an able-bodied person. We need to change the narrative. People with autism have a real sense of pride now. They talk about autism as a strength, not a handicap. But you can’t have a cultural change of language and you can’t have a cultural change of perspective unless we all do.
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