While many couples see remarriage as an opportunity to make a fresh start and a new chance for happiness, statistics reveal a different story with the divorce rate for second marriages being 60-67% compared to around 50% for women. first marriages.
Why is this so? There are many reasons and most of them involve mixing people from two different worlds and adding children to the mix. Add to that financial stress, differences in child rearing and discipline, the role of the step-parent, loyalty issues and rivalries among family members.
However, it seems to me that if a couple is built on trust and intimacy, they will be better able to withstand the stresses and storms inherent in second marriages and stepfamilies.
Successful remarried couples accept that there are inevitable ups and downs in remarriage life and they adopt realistic expectations. Love is a wonderful feeling, but you must make the conscious decision to love your partner every day through actions, such as small gestures and displays of love and affection. For a complicated remarriage to prosper, it must be nurtured.
In my counseling practice, one of the first questions I ask remarried couples is: How do you deal with conflict in your relationship? It’s important for couples to understand that they won’t resolve all arguments, but the key to managing conflict is to listen to yourself, validate, and let your partner know that you understand their point of view.
For example, Kevin, 40, is a saver and doesn’t like spending a lot of money on vacation while his wife, Becky, 38, doesn’t think about spending $ 1,500 for a weekend getaway. Kevin said: “We have a lot of expenses and need to renovate our house which is very late.”
Becky put it this way, “We both brought two kids to the wedding and we work full time. I am a second grade teacher raising four children under the age of twelve. Sometimes I need a couple’s time to feel connected to Kevin.
While they might never agree, they were able to find a compromise and stay at an Air B & B, instead of a first class hotel, and save around $ 500.00. As a result, Kevin was comfortable with this revised budget and Becky could still spend a fun weekend away from their four children to recharge their batteries. Fortunately, they both have parents who can stay at home while they are away for a weekend.
Another question I asked Kevin and Becky is this: What can you do as a couple to stay emotionally connected and intimate while raising kids and sticking to a busy work schedule each week? During our sessions, they both agreed that they needed regular weekly rituals of hooking up.
With a few prompts from me, Kevin suggested having a desert and watching a movie or TV show after their kids went to bed on Sunday night and Becky agreed. Becky suggested going to the gym on Saturday morning, letting Becky’s 12-year-old twins look after the two younger siblings for two hours, which would help them both work on their fitness goals.
The best way to beat the odds and see your second marriage succeed is to risk being vulnerable with your partner so that you can mend conflicts and make your marriage a priority. Determination, respect, acceptance, patience, and weekly connection rituals can go a long way in improving your chances of success the second time around.
Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, Movingpastdivorce.com. Terry Daughters ‘award-winning book of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on his website. His new book The manual of remarriage: How to make everything work better the second time around has been posted by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.
I would love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thank you! Terry
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