Are you codependent? Maybe you haven’t thought about this question. Also, you may think that co-dependency only applies to drug addiction. The term “codependent” was originally used to describe the partner (facilitator) of someone who had an addiction. It has since evolved to have a much wider use. We started thinking about this question because we see how easy it is for people to slip into codependent relationships.
So what is codependency? Psychology Today says, “Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of the ‘giver’, sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, ‘the taker’.”
This dynamic does not only occur in romantic relationships. It can appear in families, with friends and even in relationships with colleagues. Codependency is an unhealthy behavior.
In healthy relationships, people care about and support each other. Each part is able to maintain its own sense of identity and self-esteem independent of the other. However, in codependent relationships it is much more one-sided. It’s the dysfunctional behavior of being in a relationship where one part often ends up feeling angry, overwhelmed, and quite unhappy.
Codependent people may be successful in other areas of their lives and may not even recognize that they are codependent. Codependent people often have good intentions when they want to take care of someone in difficulty. However, their actions can evolve into compulsive and unhealthy behavior.
Mental health therapist Julia Kristina describes codependency as “the need to be needed.” She and others list ways to identify if you might be slipping into codependent behavior. These include, but are not limited to: Feeling responsible for solving someone else’s problem; inability to say “no” or set limits for yourself; do anything to maintain the relationship for fear of being alone; having feelings of low self-worth and low self-esteem; making excuses and/or covering up for someone else’s bad behavior; constantly doing things for an adult who should be able to do them themselves; not forcing others to take responsibility for their own lives; allowing another person’s destructive or unhealthy behavior.
Interestingly, people in helping professions may be susceptible to co-dependent relationships. Studies have estimated that one-third of nurses may have moderate or severe levels of codependency. This is because nurses are sensitive to the needs of others and often put aside their own feelings for the needs of their patients. This behavior can carry over into their personal lives.
The irony is that attempts to continually save or save a loved one often result in that loved one becoming even more dependent on the codependent person. This can, at first, give the codependent person a sense of satisfaction because, as we said before, they often enjoy “being needed.” However, the codependent person may eventually feel resentful and become trapped by this unhealthy, one-sided dynamic.
They may also begin to feel anger and frustration instead of love and compassion. To their own detriment, codependent people may lose sight of their own needs. They are caught in the grip of codependency and feel unable to extricate themselves from the cycle of behavior.
So how does someone stop being codependent? Like so many things, change can only happen if there is awareness that there is a problem. Once there is awareness, steps can be taken to overcome codependency. These steps can include setting healthy boundaries for yourself by deciding what behavior you will accept and what behavior you will not accept from others. Set limits on what you will or will not do for others and stick to them. Here’s an important one, don’t let other people’s problems consume your life.
As stated earlier, people who are in codependent relationships can often have feelings of low self-esteem. If this is true for you, it helps you focus on your strengths and the things that make you happy. Replace negative self-talk with positive thoughts. As always, it helps to take care of your personal health through proper diet, adequate sleep and exercise, and meeting your emotional needs. Prayer and meditation can help you calm down and reduce stress.
Some situations may require the help of a mental health professional for individual therapy. Group therapy can be effective in helping to develop healthy relationships and holding people accountable for making changes.
And you? As David Stafford said, “Whenever you feel compelled to put others ahead of yourself, you are denying your own reality, your own identity.” If you have slipped into the grip of codependency, we encourage you to use the suggestions given to have happier and healthier relationships.
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