AAccording to a 2020 report from UCLA’s Williams Institute, an estimated 9.5% of 13 to 17 year olds are LGBTQ + in America. Although children come out much younger, it can be difficult for them and their families.
There are many reasons why coming out can be difficult for children. One of the most common reasons is fear. This includes fear of what their relatives and friends will think of them and the fear of disappointing others. However, in environments where LGBTQ + people are accepted, it is easier for them to go out as they are more likely to receive support from friends and family.
It’s safe to say that most parents want the best for their children. However, providing support can be difficult, especially if you are a parent of a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer / questioning (LGBTQ +) child. In many ways, LGBTQ + youth face a variety of unique challenges that parents often don’t feel ready for.
Amanda Kirkland was one of Tulsa’s parents who was surprised when her son, Nate, said he didn’t feel good about his 8-year-old body. But he was 11 when he came out as a transgender man.
“Although I consider myself a progressive and open-minded parent, it still hit me like a ton of bricks,” she said. “Even before I had kids, I had always considered the possibility of having a gay child and was totally ready to be a supportive parent. However, I had never considered having a transgender child and knew very little about the transgender community.
Amanda said Nate sent her a letter in which he explained that he felt like he was born in the wrong body and identified as a man. Nate asked her to address him with his pronouns and wanted to change his name from Naomi to Nathan or Nate for short.
“I’m so glad he chose to write me a letter because it gave me time to process it on my own and in private. I was not at all surprised, but I was very confused, mainly because I knew so little about it, ”she said.
Most parents want to maintain a healthy relationship with their children, whether or not they are LGBTQ +. They may have mixed feelings about finding out they have an LGBTQ + child for a variety of reasons. Parents might worry about how people perceive their child, bullying at school or discrimination in the workplace, and some may cite religious reservations. But whatever the feelings of the parents, it’s a good idea to err on the side of support and empathy.
The following tips from Tulsa, parents of LGBTQ + children and their children, can help others orient themselves more clearly through this transition.
Be educated
After reading her son’s letter, Amanda was eager to learn more about the transgender community. She immediately hit Google and started researching the topic. She was careful to only research reputable articles from sources such as the American Academy of Pediatrics and the Mayo Clinic. After getting some information, she sat down with Nate to address his letter.
“I took a very honest approach with him. I explained to her that this was something very new to me, and it was something that I couldn’t relate to, but that I was completely open to learning and understanding. I told him that I would respect his request on the name and pronouns, and that I love and support him unconditionally.
She also told him that maybe she had a lot of questions for him and that she should not confuse them with doubts about him, but as trying to understand better.
Amanda said parents should take the time in private to treat their child and educate themselves on the subject.
“I think it’s okay to be confused and scared and even in disbelief, but your child doesn’t necessarily need to witness all of this,” she said. “Your child is most likely feeling very confused and may turn to you for strength. I also believe that it is very important to be honest with your child about your lack of knowledge or understanding, but it is even more important to let them know that you are very willing and open to learn how to do them. support at best.
Get advice
According to the National LGBTQ + Youth Mental Health Survey, 2020, 46% of LGBTQ + youth say they wanted psychological or emotional counseling from a mental health professional but were unable to receive it due to the cost high therapy and / or need for parental permission.
Amanda’s support for Nate made counseling a logical step.
“Nate and I started attending counseling sessions with a counselor who specializes in transgender adolescents, and I started attending a parenting support group for transgender adolescents at the Equality Center. The goal for me was to figure out how to best support Nate. Nate has been away for five years and now it feels like the most normal thing in the world. “
Another Tulsa mother of an LGBTQ + child, Heather Gragg, also highlighted the benefits of counseling. “I also highly recommend counseling and support groups for yourself with professionals specializing in the subject, and the same for your child. “
Family acceptance
Dr Caitlin Ryan, director of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, has conducted several studies on how a family’s acceptance and rejection behaviors affect the well-being of LGBTQ + children. One of her studies found that family acceptance helps protect teens from depression, substance abuse, and suicidal behavior. Additionally, she reported that youth whose families accepted also reported improved self-esteem, social support, and overall health.
Heather Gragg’s daughter, Brooke, was in eighth grade when she came out. “I was called into the guidance counselor’s office because there was an argument between the girls, and it turned out that she was having issues with her sexuality,” Heather said. “I was more worried that she didn’t feel she could share this with me than the fact that she liked girls.”
Heather had not liked the way a gay uncle in her conservative family was treated and was keen to avoid that with Brooke. She said every child needs to feel loved and accepted unconditionally and that being LGBTQ + doesn’t change the love parents have for them.
However, Nate Kirkland did not have a good experience with his biological father. His mother, Amanda, said: “Nate has suffered a lot of criticism and judgment from him. He was unwilling to accept Nate as a transgender man, and that resulted in their relationship breaking down completely.
Identify bullying
According to GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian Straight Education Network), 90% of LGBTQ + students hear anti-LGBTQ + comments at school and only 26% feel safe at school. Bullying is a problem for many students; however, LGBTQ + youth are often targeted because they are different. If you recognize any signs of bullying, you can contact a school administrator, guidance counselor, or teacher.
Heather Gragg said there had been bullying that she was not aware of. For a while the kids were cruel and called Brooke derogatory names. However, Brooke has been “out there and proud” from the start. Heather said: “I imagine it’s easier when you have a parent who doesn’t react with shame or imply that it means the child is broken.”
Nate Kirkland attends Booker T. Washington High School, which has an excellent reputation for inclusiveness, and his mother has not reported any bullying.
Tips from LGBTQ + parents
Heather said parents should “love our children completely and unconditionally” because that is the best thing a parent can do and what they are meant to do. She said parents should support their children as they discover who they are and not place any restrictions on this exploration except what is necessary to keep them safe.
“Most of the time, here [Tulsa, Oklahoma], it is religious belief that creates the disconnection. If so, I would suggest parents read Walk in the canyon without a bridge by Kathy Baldock. She will be releasing another book later this year, Forging a sacred weapon: how the Bible became anti-gay. I truly believe the revelations involved will have a significant impact on the conversation. At least I pray that it will, ”Heather said.
LGBTQ + Kids Tips
Nate said parents should love their children “no matter what! He said the hardest thing about coming out was wondering if his parents would accept him or be disappointed. “The best thing a parent can do to support their teenager is not ask why,” he said. “Just because it makes little sense for the parent doesn’t mean it doesn’t for the child. Ask your child questions if you don’t understand; they will probably be happy to explain their feelings to you.
Brooke said the hardest part of getting out was just the fear of being judged. “At home, I was never scared because my mom had always been an LGBTQ + ally, before I even knew I was gay. But I was scared to go out to school, because kids are mean and a lot of them don’t like things they don’t understand.
“But to have the support of my mother and to be raised knowing that love is love and that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, and that you cannot control who you love, has me really helped me feel comfortable with myself and come out fully and make fun of whoever had to say.
Her biggest piece of advice to parents was to love unconditionally, no matter if they understood or saw it for them in their future.
“Your children are their own human beings, and whatever their gender, whatever pronouns they use and whatever their sexuality, it doesn’t hurt or define them. They deserve love, like everyone else. Also, be sure to raise them to love themselves because if you love yourself, nothing anyone can tell you can bring you down because you know your worth.
Lead with love
Ultimately, parents want their children to be safe, healthy and happy. If your child tells you they are LGBTQ +, this may not be something you are prepared for. However, your acceptance really matters for their safety, health, and mental well-being.
The common theme of this trip is love. You might not know all the answers and you might have tons of questions, but leading with love and keeping the lines of communication open puts you on the right path to supporting your LGBTQ + child.
LGBTQ + family resources
Dennis R. Neill Center for Equality: https://www.okeq.org/
Heterosexual Alliance: https://www.yst.org/programs
PFLAG (Parents, Families, Friends of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer People): https://tulsapflag.org/
Equality Law: https://straightforequality.org/about-us
